- This topic has 231 replies, 14 voices, and was last updated 17 years, 6 months ago by
.
-
Topic
-
-
Replies
-
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $ 15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped
up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands:Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve
been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her
piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only
the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we would be very happy.
Even though you don’t care for her, as she is so much older than I, she already
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of
my dreams too.Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.25 SIGNS THAT YOU’VE GROWN UP:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Making love in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn’t apply to you……….and can’t find a single one to save your sorry old butt..This is a JOKE. Don,t take it personal.
FORD -Fabricated Of Refried Dung
FORD -Fails On Rainy Days
FORD -Falling Off: Rusty Door
FORD -Fast Only Rolling Downhill
FORD -Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
FORD -Fault Of R&D
FORD -Final Organ of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -F__ken Obsolete Racing Device
FORD -Fireball On Rear Denting
FORD -First On Recall Day
FORD -First On Road to Dump
FORD -First On Rust and Deterioration
FORD -First Order of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
FORD -Fixed Or Repaired Daily
FORD -Flip Over Read Directions
FORD -Flipping Over Results in Death
FORD -Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
FORD -Foot On Road Decelerates
FORD -Fords Only Run Downhill
FORD -Forwarded Once; Return Denied
FORD -Forward Only; Reverse Defective
FORD -Forgot Our Recommended Defaults
FORD -Forlorn, Old, Rat ridden Dustbin
FORD -For Old, Rotten Deadbeat
FORD -Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD -Found On Redneck’s Driveway
FORD -Found On Roadside Dead
FORD -Found On Rubbish Dump
FORD -Found Outside Refuse Dump
FORD -Found Outside Rotting Dump
FORD -Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
FORD -Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
FORD -Free Or Reduced Drastically
FORD -Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
FORD -Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
FORD -Funny Old Rattling Dump
FORD -Funky Old Rebuilt Dodge
FORD -(spelled backwards)Driver Returns On FootNew exercise routine if you’re over 30.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN…
NOW SCROLL UP.. …
That’s enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Beer.
BUFORD’S GOT THE SHINGLES
DOESN’T IT SEEM THAT MORE AND MORE PHYSICIANS ARE RUNNING THEIR PRACTICES
LIKE AN ASSEMBLY LINE ?HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED TO BUFORD………. BUFORD WALKED INTO
A DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND THE RECEPTIONIST ASKED HIM WHAT HE
HAD……..BUFORD SAID , “SHINGLES.” SO SHE TOOK DOWN HIS NAME,
ADDRESS,MEDICAL INSURANCE NUMBER AND TOLD HIM TO HAVE A SEAT, FIFTEEN
MINUTES LATER A NURSE’S AIDE CAME OUT AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD, BUFORD
SAID, “SHINGLES.” SO SHE TOOK DOWN HIS HEIGHT, WEIGHT,A COMPLETE MEDICAL
HISTORY AND TOLD BUFORD TO WAIT IN THE EXAMINING ROOM. A HALF HOUR LATER A
NURSE CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD, BUFORD SAID, “SHINGLES.”
SO SHE GAVE BUFORD A BLOOD TEST,A BLOOD PRESSURE TEST AND ELECTROCARDIOGRAM;
TOLD BUFORD TO TAKE OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES AND WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR. AN HOUR
LATER THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD. BUFORD
SAID,”SHINGLES.” THE DOCTOR SAID, “WHERE?” BUFORD SAID,
“OUTSIDE , ON THE TRUCK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?”Mercedes forum
– My wife and her a-hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?Bentley forum
– I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?Camaro/Firebird forum
– My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill ’em? btw, I have a record and I ain’t going back.Mustang forum
– Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.Monte Carlo forum
– Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain’t stolen yo.Civic forum
– Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.VW Bug forum
– The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)Yugo forum
– When’s the last time yours ran?Lamborghini forum
– Wind noise around 210mphMiata forum
– Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car. (pics)Chevy Tahoe forum
– Are gas prices going down any time soon?Pontiac Fiero forum
– Just bought a new flame retardant suit. (pics)BMW 7-series forum
– Where to get service on my Rolex?Cadillac forum
– Problems parallel parking at bingo.Buick Forum
– Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?Delorean forum
– Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I’m from 1985.Crown Victoria forum
– How come people don’t never pass me on the highway?Honda Accord forum
– Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.Toyota Echo forum
– Do our cars use AAA or AA’s?Ferrari forum
– Need suggestions about a business trip to Columbia. Want to get in and out fast.Porsche forum
– Tyre just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?Saturn forum
– Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.Jaguar forum
– Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?Mini forum
– Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)Dodge Viper forum
– I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?McLaren F1 forum
– Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.Dodge Minivan forum
– Where’s the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don’t forget where I’m supposed to be?Hummer forum
– Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He’s 25 miles away. That’s $35 in gas.Fiat forum
-Hello? Am I the only member?Subaru WRX forum
– I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.Chevy pickup forum
– How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?SRT forum.
– Will this void my warranty?RX7 forum
– 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM’ing me.DSM forum
– Transmission Group buy Full stop PM’ing me.Supra forum
– Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.Vette forum
– Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier Steering wheel?Ford 2.3 forum
– Help! Replaced everything, still doesn’t start?Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jacksits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He then
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and then cringes when he sees
a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note
on the table:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping–Love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son…what
happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door.”
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”
Broken furniture – $85.26
Hot Breakfast – $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time………Priceless
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says as they drive away. “Stupid thing was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked, so I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Thanks for all these icon_cool.gif
I have a very short one : usually, chickens cross the roads in the countryside, just in front of you as you’re driving one that road…fast !
Why is that ? Is that just on purpose ?…No…
It is because they just want to get to the other side of the road !… But, why do chickens don’t cross these roads on sundays ?
Because it’s turkeys’ day icon_wink.gif
(this was the 2:47AM short stupid story… icon_cheesygrin.gif )
From an email I got recently.
NEW PRIEST SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, ” When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Daddy, Junior and the spook.8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take
this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say ” Eat me”12. The Virgin Mary is not called ” Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: “Rub-A-Dub-
Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.”14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’sAll very funny, thanks for sharing guys! :haha:
I’ll make this thread sticky, I don’t want to divide the forum up too much by making too many subforums so for now just post all jokes in this topic. thumbsup.gif
LMAO mont thats a good one! Drogar-Laugh(LBG).gif
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on the
front porch talking when one says to the other, “Which
do you think is farther away — Florida or the moon?The other turns to her and says, helllooooooo? Can you
see Florida?”Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour. And, yes, Linda is a blond
No offence to any blonds.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.