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For You People That Still Go To School.
50 Ways to Mess With People in a Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the damn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say “Oops, I forgot.”
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.
17. “DISK FIGHT!!!”
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, humits note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.
35. Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does *your* delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.63 Ways To Make A Cop Mad
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol?”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don’t go that way.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say “Usually my dates buy me dinner first”
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don’t like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say “Oops! That’s the wrong name.”
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
21. When he comes up to the car, say “License and registration, please” right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing “La La La, I can’t hear you!”
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it’s a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar…..
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he’s telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm….only 5 of you here tonight…….
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don’t know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops…I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
59. If you are female, say I don’t do that on the first date.
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say “Look at the pretty colors!”
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
Contact The Donald:
Some Weird Stuff In Here.
The Dangers of Bread
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, “Smell of baked bread may be health hazard.” The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I’m not making this stuff up).I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I’ve done a little research, and what I’ve discovered should make anyone think twice….
More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and osteoporosis.
Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:No sale of bread to minors.
No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.What you learn in do-it-yourself auto repair.
A trouble light when properly place under the car, will shine directly in your eyes.
When crawling under the car with a hand full of wrenches, the proper size will be in the tool box.
After retreiving the proper sized wrench and crawling back under the car, you will be lying on it.
Allen and Torx wrenches only come in three sizes: too small, too big, and missing.
If using air tools, after crawling under the car, you will discover the compressor is off or unplugged.
After correctly hooking up compressor, the air tool will be set for exactly the wrong direction for intended purpose.
Socket extensions hooked to the socket will fall off while correcting air tool direction leaving the socket stuck on the bolt (or nut as the case may be)
And do not forget Murphy’s rule of general automotive repair and gravity”: Things that fall out of the car will roll to the most inaccessible location.
While attempting repairs using nuts and bolts from your large collection of same stashed in a coffee can, you will have a complete collection of nuts and bolts that neither fit each other or the part intended.
As far as using a torch, using one to disconnect brake line connections will cause an almost smokless flash fire. But after the fire is out, the brake line will generally come apart.There are very few things that WD-40, a propane torch and a big hammer won’t remove.
On a related note, rubber bushings, especially those soaked in WD-40, are highly flammable and produce an impressive amount of smoke.
Neighbors are apt to call the fire department when they see a prone individual lying underneath a smoking car.
Volunteer firemen do not appreciate being called away from their homes for false alarms. They do, however, appreciate beer and soft drinks.
On another related note, it is a good idea to make sure that parts and bolts are not still hot before touching them.
If you wash your incredibly dirty hands in the kitchen sink, the white decorative towels hanging nearby are probably not the best choice for drying them off.
Washing dishes is a good way to remove stubborn grease from your hands.
Washing dishes is also a good way to appease your spouse.
Do not use bath towels as shop rags.
Do not use shop rags as bath towels.
“Universal fit” describes a part that is designed to fit no application well, and only with serious modifications and swearing.
“Bolt-on” describes a part that will indeed bolt on after a period of head-scratching, knuckle-bashing and swearing.
Observing automotive repair can be an educational experience for children.
Your spouse and neighbors may not consider the acquisition of new swear words by children to be educational.
To estimate the hours it will take to complete a project, use the following formula: Number of parts X (Number of children in household/Avg. free hours per day) X Total number of vehicles owned X Number of household projects currently on hold. Divide this total by the number of years of auto repair experience.
The only time your hand will slip and encounter something sharp, hot, or otherwise painful is when you are not wearing your work gloves.
Cold weather increases the sensitivity of the pain receptors in your hand by approximately 600%.
Something that seems impossible at 1 a.m. will appear incredibly easy at 6 p.m. the next day.
Your spouse will not view oil and grease stains on the driveway as “decorative touches”.
First aid supplies are much cheaper in bulk.
An adjustable wrench is a tool designed to speed the process of rounding off bolts, damaging nearby paint and removing significant amounts of skin.
“Lather, rinse and repeat” is not sufficient to remove axle and wheel bearing grease from your hair.
Any small particles falling from the underside of your car while you are lying underneath will find their way into your eyes, nose, ears or mouth regardless of precautions you may make.Great tips…
It’s fun to go on the internet and see people forget to do this stuff. Running yelling that they just burned their hand and stuff like that.
Yes, just goes to show you people will really do Stupid things for no reason…
Top 11 Worst Ways To Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day In The Data Center
11) Replace coffee with Irish Coffee
10) Cover up any LEDs that aren’t green
9) Change the blue screen of death to the green screen of death
Refer to clients as “the Wee Folk”7) Put an O’ in front of all user names in the directory
6) Replace all the toner cartridges with green ink
5) Play drinking games like “Whenever I get an e-mail, chug a beer” and “Whenever I don’t get an e-mail, chug a beer.”
4) Give the dateless data center staff “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” buttons
3) Replace cardkey scanners with breathalyzers and lock out anyone with a blood alcohol level of less than 0.1
2) Cook corned beef and cabbage on the new blade servers
1) Swap the water coolers with Guinness kegs
Stop!! Blogger Time
Don’t Play Soccer in these
Get Your Dose Of Monty Python’s Silly Walks
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