Jokes and Funny Stuff

[hpdog259962]

Here are some Jokes I found in some odd places, Nice place to laugh.

Topic

[hpdog259962]

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for
a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted
ten dollars and asked,

“If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” Kirk asked.

“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can
get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of
food?” Kirk asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in
20 years!”

“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district
instead of food?” Kirk asked.

“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the
homeless man.

“Well,” said Kirk, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim.”
The homeless man was astounded.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m
dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

Kirk replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who’s given up beer, gambling & golf

[hpdog259962]

Yard work is relaxing and enjoyable unless you are actually doing it

One winter can undo spring, summer & fall

The time spent making a yard you can relax in is subtracted from the
time you have to relax in it

Despite what your wife thinks, flower beds can and do jump in front
of the lawnmower

Your wife can spot a new sprout breaking from the soil but cannot see
the billowing clouds of smoke coming off the belt on the lawn tractor

Your wife can tell the difference between a daffodil and tulip sprout
but cannot tell the difference between a 9/16-combination wrench and
a claw hammer

You secretly think your wife just makes up names for flowers since
they all look the same to you except for the color

An old Briggs & Stratton engine will run on anything remotely
resembling gasoline but a bonfire will not light unless the gas is
less than a day old from the refinery

The sole purpose of many parts of lawn equipment is to fall off, jam
up or prevent the piece of equipment from working

Those little garden tractor batteries are designed to last one year,
not more, not less

A cheap piece of lawn equipment will last forever just to aggravate
you

An expensive piece of lawn equipment will not last forever just to
ruin your excuse to your wife for buying it

If GM made lawn equipment, it would cost 15 times more, have every
bell and whistle imaginable such as navigation and dvd and HUD and
run half as much

Forget diamonds, oak leaves are forever

The guy at the hardware store thinks you are kidding when you say
that you have mosquitoes the size of small birds so you take the can
of “OFF” that he recommends and then tell him that you need the box
of .22’s for “plinking at tin cans”

Compared to the Scott’s Fertilizer Company, the Columbian Medellin
drug cartel looks like Girl Scouts selling cookies

I don’t care if it is crabgrass, broadleaf or noxious weeds, if it is
green and in my lawn, I don’t want to kill it

Your wife cannot explain why a dandelion is different from
wildflowers and your head, not hers will explode if she tries to
explain

The TV shows that do `weekend projects’ never explain that it will
take 3 weekends just to round up the stuff you need

A weekend on TV is equal to 3 ½ months in real life

A lot of paper could be saved by not printing instructions in English
since no one who reads English actually reads the instructions

You realize that the price of a lawn service is worth it after you
have already done ¾ of the work

Whatever setting is recommended on the back of a lawn fertilizer bag
will not be a setting on your spreader… accept and deal with it

The primary purpose of an outdoor grill is to hold wasp nests

Grass will grow best in a driveway

The only real tomato is homegrown, all others are simply poor
imitations

A blade of grass will tear the he** out of a steel lawnmower blade

You can mow the grass by simply bludgeoning the blades of grass into
submission with a dull mower blade

Any labor saving piece of lawn equipment does not save near as much
labor as not doing it in the first place

A sprinkler has 2 purposes. To break and to spray you in the face

A garden hose comes in only one length… too short

The reason I have 50 1-foot garden hoses is simple. I forgot to roll
it up before mowing

No matter which direction the discharge of the mower is facing, a
rock will only exit towards your ankle or the nearest window

You have a sneaking suspicion that you got the “Round-Up” and lawn
fertilizer mixed up… again!

An 80 lb bag of Portland cement, when mixed with the proper
proportions of sand, gravel and water will fill a hole approximately
the size of a Dixie cup

Your wife can sense a new power tool no matter how well you snuck it
into the basement and hid it

A well-maintained lawn mower will not start while the old piece of
crap you replaced will continue to start on the first pull

“Sta-bil” is Latin for “varnish accelerator”

The answer to all small equipment questions is “replace the spark
plug”

Each 2-stroke engine you own will require a different oilgas mixture

Every year, I consider the cost of paving the yard

[hpdog259962]

Hi Folks

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know
there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles
are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will be there?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it
down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do all those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all
right?” It isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you
stupid idiot?”

Why is it that whenever we attempt to catch something that’s falling
off the table, we always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complain about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE…

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness.

[hpdog259962]

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk
the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the
analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don’t know where they
are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are
two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’ private
parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[hpdog259962]

Hi Folks

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly,
dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, “Darn
it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re
driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

I love this part….

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

[hpdog259962]

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the
game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means “something,” and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually
end in “Fine”

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over “Nothing”

THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to
a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you’re
welcome.

[hpdog259962]

Hi Folks

Subject: The New Wal-Mart Greeter

A Wal-Mart manager was given the task of hiring an individual to

fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask them
only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, “A
THOUGHT”. It just
pops into your head. There’s no warning that it’s on the way; it’s
just there. A
thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And now you sir?”

he asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see. A blink! It comes and
goes and you
don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know
of.”

“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a
very popular
cliché for speed.”

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there’s
a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture
the light
in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT
is the
fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had
found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light” he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer

posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, “After hearing the three previous answers, It’s
obvious to me
that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.”

“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

“Oh I can explain.” said Old Bubba. “You see the other day I wasn’t
feeling so
good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped in my pants.

Old Bubba is the new “Greeter” at the Hanford Wal-Mart.

[hpdog259962]

Hi Folks

> > A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
> > around, looking
> > for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack,
> > a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus
is
> > watching you.”
> >
> > He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
> > froze. When he
> > heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a
> > vacation
> > after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began
> > searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he
> > could disconnect the wires,
> > clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you. “Freaked out,
he
> > shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
> > voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to
> > rest on a parrot.
> >
> > “Did you say that?” He hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot
> > confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.” The
burglar
> > relaxed. “Warn me, huh?
> > Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?”
the
> > burglar
> > laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” “The kind
of
> > people
> > that would name a rottweiler Jesus.”

[hpdog259962]

Hi Folks

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.

The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside
the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Anthony.”

“Good morning father,” replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque.

“Father Murphy, what is this?” Anthony asked.

“Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service.”

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Anthony’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which
service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?”

[hpdog259962]

Hi Folks

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.
Cop says, “License and registration, please.”
Guy says, “What for?”
Cop says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Guy says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Cop says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop, License and
registration, please.”
Guy says, “What’s the difference?”
Cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop, License and registration, PLEASE!”
Guy says, “If you can show me the difference between slow down
and stop, I ll give you my license and registration.”
Cop says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”
At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving tar out of the guy and says,
“Do you want me to stop OR JUST SLOW DOWN?

[Anonymous]

Theres three tomatoes, a pappa tomato, a momma tomato, and a baby tomato. The baby tomato started laggin behind. The pappa went to the baby tomato and punched him in the face and he said “Katchup” Lol Drogar-Laugh(LBG).gif

[montefrazer]

Proper use of the English language:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Generally, one should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don’t use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
28. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[Anonymous]

/
|

wtf? :fu: :wack: icon_link_error.gif :fu:

[Anonymous]

Gir.
Why Is There Bacon In The Soap?

[hpdog259962]

Hey You Can’t Steal That!!! :poke:

[Author]

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