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Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour. And, yes, Linda is a blond
No offence to any blonds.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on the
front porch talking when one says to the other, “Which
do you think is farther away — Florida or the moon?The other turns to her and says, helllooooooo? Can you
see Florida?”Yah I KNOW You Want To Pass Me!!! Drogar-Laugh(LBG).gif
Quote:From The Jerk:
“He hates these cans!”
:haha:A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says as they drive away. “Stupid thing was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked, so I hauled her butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can’t believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a
glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jacksits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He then
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and then cringes when he sees
a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note
on the table:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping–Love you!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son…what
happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some
furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the
door.”
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, lady, I’m married!”
Broken furniture – $85.26
Hot Breakfast – $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time………Priceless
Mercedes forum
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– Help! Replaced everything, still doesn’t start?BUFORD’S GOT THE SHINGLES
DOESN’T IT SEEM THAT MORE AND MORE PHYSICIANS ARE RUNNING THEIR PRACTICES
LIKE AN ASSEMBLY LINE ?HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED TO BUFORD………. BUFORD WALKED INTO
A DOCTOR’S OFFICE AND THE RECEPTIONIST ASKED HIM WHAT HE
HAD……..BUFORD SAID , “SHINGLES.” SO SHE TOOK DOWN HIS NAME,
ADDRESS,MEDICAL INSURANCE NUMBER AND TOLD HIM TO HAVE A SEAT, FIFTEEN
MINUTES LATER A NURSE’S AIDE CAME OUT AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD, BUFORD
SAID, “SHINGLES.” SO SHE TOOK DOWN HIS HEIGHT, WEIGHT,A COMPLETE MEDICAL
HISTORY AND TOLD BUFORD TO WAIT IN THE EXAMINING ROOM. A HALF HOUR LATER A
NURSE CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD, BUFORD SAID, “SHINGLES.”
SO SHE GAVE BUFORD A BLOOD TEST,A BLOOD PRESSURE TEST AND ELECTROCARDIOGRAM;
TOLD BUFORD TO TAKE OFF ALL HIS CLOTHES AND WAIT FOR THE DOCTOR. AN HOUR
LATER THE DOCTOR CAME IN AND ASKED BUFORD WHAT HE HAD. BUFORD
SAID,”SHINGLES.” THE DOCTOR SAID, “WHERE?” BUFORD SAID,
“OUTSIDE , ON THE TRUCK. WHERE DO YOU WANT THEM?”New exercise routine if you’re over 30.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN…
NOW SCROLL UP.. …
That’s enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Beer.
This is a JOKE. Don,t take it personal.
FORD -Fabricated Of Refried Dung
FORD -Fails On Rainy Days
FORD -Falling Off: Rusty Door
FORD -Fast Only Rolling Downhill
FORD -Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
FORD -Fault Of R&D
FORD -Final Organ of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -F__ken Obsolete Racing Device
FORD -Fireball On Rear Denting
FORD -First On Recall Day
FORD -First On Road to Dump
FORD -First On Rust and Deterioration
FORD -First Order of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
FORD -Fixed Or Repaired Daily
FORD -Flip Over Read Directions
FORD -Flipping Over Results in Death
FORD -Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
FORD -Foot On Road Decelerates
FORD -Fords Only Run Downhill
FORD -Forwarded Once; Return Denied
FORD -Forward Only; Reverse Defective
FORD -Forgot Our Recommended Defaults
FORD -Forlorn, Old, Rat ridden Dustbin
FORD -For Old, Rotten Deadbeat
FORD -Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD -Found On Redneck’s Driveway
FORD -Found On Roadside Dead
FORD -Found On Rubbish Dump
FORD -Found Outside Refuse Dump
FORD -Found Outside Rotting Dump
FORD -Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
FORD -Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
FORD -Free Or Reduced Drastically
FORD -Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
FORD -Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
FORD -Funny Old Rattling Dump
FORD -Funky Old Rebuilt Dodge
FORD -(spelled backwards)Driver Returns On Foot25 SIGNS THAT YOU’VE GROWN UP:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Making love in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for just one sign that doesn’t apply to you……….and can’t find a single one to save your sorry old butt..A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped
up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”. With the
worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with
trembling hands:Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve
been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her
piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it’s not only
the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we would be very happy.
Even though you don’t care for her, as she is so much older than I, she already
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of
my dreams too.Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be
growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my
report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is
safe for me to come home.A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $ 15.41.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The blonde replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
